Monday, January 12, 2015

Nice Ass Not Included: 7 Ways a Gym Membership is Just Like Dating

It’s the month of January, which can only mean one thing. New Year’s resolutions are in full force. Without question the most popular and overstated goal for men and women alike is, getting that ass in shape.

With every New Year that passes we find ourselves exclaiming that this year will be it. This is the year I’ll get fit. This summer I’ll have my dream beach bod, with perfectly toned abs and a Sir-Mix-A lot approved booty. By this birthday I’ll be able to fit into my old jeans. Insert a thousand more excuses that range from nonsense to lies and everything in between and my work here is done.

The whole, “NEW YEAR NEW ME” motto goes hand in hand with not just working out, but also reaffirming old goals, making new ones, figuring out passions, exploring personal development, the list is about as bottomless as mimosas at brunch.

If you’re single, this means starting a clean slate for your dating and love life. It means letting go of old stigmas and vowing to only date the best.

When we get geared up for dating, we inevitably think of ways to improve ourselves like deciding to get a gym membership. Accordingly, gyms are a lot like dating. I’m finding out that they have way more in common than I could ever make up. 

From that cringe worthy first date to the dreaded break up talk that ends with both parties bitter and feeling taken advantage of. Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even.

The similarities are a little too close for comfort.

Check out the 7 reasons below that describe how dating and gym memberships are ultimately the same thing:

1      1. Awkward first meeting.
Every first encounter is a little awkward in a sense. For starters there’s the first impression and you only get one chance to make or break it.

At a gym, trainers are everywhere. They appear to be nice as pie but behind the yoga pants and Nike’s they have already decided your fate.

Similarly, a prospective new beau assesses if they’re interested or not, practically within the first five minutes. That kind of pressure is enough to make Chuck Norris wave the white flag.

Verdict: The foreign territory, forced small talk and fake goodbyes are all too familiar.

2      2. They always make you feel insecure.
Take working out at a gym for the first time. Your thought process might go a little something like this:

Everyone is staring at me. No really, there are about twenty pairs of eyes on me right now. Am I using the machine wrong or what?

After a first date encounter you decide to send an innocent text. Aaaand…crickets. Is he really going to wait seven hours to text me back? Did he die? Your mind jumps to every irrational conclusion possible.

Verdict: The insecurity is inevitable in any intimate first meeting. Visiting a new gym while enduring a sea of judgey eyes and bad glances VS waiting on a crush to text you back is practically one in the same.

3      3. In the beginning it all seems great.
Everything looks perfect from far away. Upon first contact, it feels like you’ve scored. You think to yourself, “I’m getting the deal of the century.” $89 a month and free personal training? I couldn’t be more there if my ass was glued to the leg press.

Finding a new match on Tinder that looks hot, seems to have a sense of humor and owns his own business? It’s on like Donkey Kong. 

Verdict: If it seems too good to be true it probably is. Moral of the story, you didn’t read the fine print.

4      4. The obvious warning signs.
They call you five times in a week. AKA their inner stalker comes out to play. Your trainer leaves you a voicemail saying they haven’t seen you in a while. Ironically you get the call just when you’re plopped on the couch enjoying leftover cheese pizza from the night before. But nonetheless it made you think of them and your lack of calories burned the past week. Mission accomplished.

Likewise, the crush in question not only text you four times and called you to check in, they came by your place of employment to “say hi.” Unannounced visits during the first week of knowing someone? Game over.

Verdict: This is why they have trial periods and online profiles. Use and abuse them. All is fair in love and core. Or war, same thing.

5     5. The argument that it’s “too soon. “
Don’t quit now. You’ve gotta give it three months to see results they say. Hard work and a little discipline over time will pay off in the end.

Why end it now? We’re just getting to know each other, they argue with sincere puppy dog eyes and the best debating skills you’ve seen since Judge Judy.

Verdict: With dating and exercise, what you see is what you get. You know when something isn’t working out and in this instance it’s presumably you at the gym. 

6      6. When you try and leave they turn on the charm.
The minute you start to try and end it, they flip a switch. Complete 180. Excuses start to flood in. We’ve heard them all before. Breaking up and cancelling contracts are always messy and kind of impossible to those who don’t want to hear it.

They say they’ll change. Too expensive? We’ll give you a discount! And suddenly the once bitchy trainer is now your gay bestie who offers you free protein shakes and pep talks.

Party too much? They vow to stop drinking. They’re suddenly the most charming person on the planet. They break out all the bells and whistles you never knew they had. He suddenly sends flowers to your work and whips up crème brulee from scratch as a date night surprise.

Verdict: If they have to add or change their ways within the first few weeks of the commitment, it’s not meant to be, boo. Let it go.

7     7. Something always reminds you of them.
Just when you think you’re over it, a friend screenshots via text “guess who popped up on my popular page” or a random acquaintance tells you they just started working out at your former place of fitness. They go on to brag about the new spin class and just how “ah-mazing” it is.

The regret starts to sink in and you start to second guess if you should have stuck it out. You start to ponder all the reasons why it ended.

Then you’re reminded of some tried and true advice. It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.

When it comes to dating, they say go with your gut. On the flip side, don’t listen to your actual gut when you’re dreading the gym. Or you might just end up chubby and alone and we don’t want that. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

47 Things That go Through a Girl’s Head When Getting A Mani

Women, we love to get pampered. It’s a no brainer, right? Well, not exactly. Truthfully, we sort of have a love/hate relationship with the whole matter. It’s complicated.

I live for a good gel mani as much as the next girl. There’s a very special place in my heart for the person who created Shellac. Having nicely manicured nails is up there on my list of things that are important to me. (Alongside nice eyebrows, of course.) Also, pedicures are just a must in girl world. Dirty toes are all sorts of nasty. Not speaking for the majority here but I’m sure you can agree.

However, the process of getting there is most definitely not a trip to Disneyland. Pursuing beauty is a full time job. Nails especially, require maintenance. At risk of sounding a little too girly, the process of getting a good mani and pedi is H-W-D. Hard work and dedication.

Sometimes the mere thought of getting my nails done and sitting in a chair for two hours just isn’t my idea of a good time. Pizza is a good time. Someone digging into my cuticles and scrubbing off dead skin with a hard rock, not so fun. On some days it’s a flat out chore. Okay, point blank, it’s anxiety.

First off, having to pick out a color that you are stuck having to stare at on your fingernails every day for the next two and a half weeks is straight stress. I can’t even decide what I’m having for dinner tonight. What do you want from me? I can’t commit for that long (things manicures and dating have in common.)

I get how the whole thing appears to be totally relaxing but quite frank, it’s not. It’s exhausting. Yes the end result, once it’s all said and done is typically a happy ending. Sometimes. Let’s be honest here, it’s not even till day five or six that you actually have been able to convince yourself that you actually chose the right color. Only then is it all worth it. Oh the drama of being a female.

But as they say in beauty school and life, no pain no gain.

Here are 43 thoughts that has gone through every girls head while getting her nails did.

What color should I get?

Why can’t I just know what I want?

I should probably do red.

But I just want a nude.

And I hate all their nudes.

They have a bad selection.

Should I do glitter?

Whatever, Linkin Park After Dark it is.

Am I gonna hate it?


This water isn’t hot enough.

Shit, I should have shaved my legs.

Are my toes gross?

She just rolled her eyes.

Is she talking shit about me?

This chair is heaven.

She hates me.

She totally cut my nails too short.

That’s gonna look fugs.

I’m screwed.

Ouch, bitch that hurt.

I think she just made me bleed.

She’s laughing.

What the hell?

She’s half assing it. I can tell.

She better do three coats.

Did she just turn off my massage chair?

Oh no she di-nt.

This girl is talking some major shit about her roommate.

Am I really this ticklish?

She’s doing it on purpose.

Is she gonna fix that?

Ugh I hate the color I chose.

Nevermind I kind of love it.

This takes so long.

What am I gonna eat?

I’m starving.

Wait the roommate slept with her ex?

Wow what a bitch.

This story is getting good.

Great they’re leaving.

Is my girl done yet?


Yep I hate the color.


I should’ve done red.

I’m totally getting pizza after this.

4 Kanye Quotes That Will Help You Nail Your Next Interview

Whether you are a Kanye West fan or not, you’ve got to give the man credit where credit is due. He has the confidence of nobody else on this planet. Let us reminisce for a second, he once claimed to be GOD. Never forget.

You love to loathe him. And he loves to love… himself. He welcomes the haters with open arms and why wouldn’t he? The guy has a jumbo size laundry list of things on his life resume to brag about.
He’s 37 years old and already has 21 grammy wins to his name.  The fury in this fact, is that it only aids to validate his self inflicted egomania. It’s no secret that he has a talent for loving himself and it’s seemingly got him to where he is. At the top.

Truth is, we all possess an ‘inner Kayne’ that needs to be unleashed on occasion. Somewhere deep rooted in our soul of souls its hidden, but it’s there. That painfully over confident, borderline cocky, and shamefully proud ego so large it rivals Kim K’s ass. Just kidding, never that big.

Interviews suck, point blank. No one in their right mind gets giddy over an interview. No one besides, yep you guessed it, Big K West. Because he kills it, flawlessly. When you really need to nail it and I mean your life, (or future job status) depends on it, channeling the one and only Yeezus is not just crucial; it’s life or don’t get the job. Which is practically the same as death in modern day.

I’ve had my fair share of interviews, haven’t we all?  It can be a scary, intimidating and very daunting process. We dread it, hope for the best, and rehearse what we are going to say in our head a zillion times before it actually goes down.

What I have learned is that nothing on God’s green earth, will prepare you more than simply getting your confidence in check. Once you have that down, the actual interview isn’t intimidating at all. Answers just seem to flow out of you like a volcano. A strong, confident, charming and impressive volcano, that maybe talks like Kanye.  

I’m not just talking about jamming out to Gold Digger on your way there, although by all means please do. I’m talking about full-blown, balls to the wall, getting into your alter ego, also known as your badass self, via Kayne quotes.

Without further adieu, the five most influential/controversial? quotes by Mr. West himself, below. Get ready to knock em dead.

“Come on now! How could you be me and want to be someone else?” –Guardian, 2005
I’m well aware of how arrogant this comes across but he’s definitely onto something here. If you want the job bad enough, this is the number one prerequisite to nailing the interview and maybe the most important one of all.

Do you believe you are in fact the sh*t? Ask yourself. And whatever you do, don’t take no for an answer. You must first convince yourself to be able to convince anyone else. Yes I am getting all, ‘Law of Attraction’ on you.  

Repeat a positive affirmation while you’re getting ready, brushing your teeth and perfecting that fab head of hair. Heck if no one is around, stare at yourself in the mirror and say it. You know damn well Kanye would and that is who we’re channeling here.

“You can’t look at a glass half empty or half full if it’s overflowing.” –Twitter
He’s exactly right. It’s all a matter of perception. What you think about yourself means everything. What others think about you is none of your business. Having a positive mindset is the difference between success and failure. This is something we all claim to know but somehow regret to practice on a daily basis. 

When you’re sitting in front of someone you need to impress, nothing seems to be more impressionable than that of a positive outlook. Something that seems like such an obvious no brainer right? As someone who has given many interviews in my day, I can’t tell you how many people would trash talk their previous employer. Or actually give me a weakness when I asked for it. Put a positive spin on everything and smile often, two keys for winning over even your biggest critic.

“Respect my trendsetting abilities. Once that happens, everyone wins.”- New York Times
The trick is to make them feel that if they don’t hire you, the whole place is going to burn to the ground. Dramatic, yes. Effective? You betcha.

If you can successfully articulate this one, you are well on your way to winning them over. What are you bringing to the table that no one else is? Be an expert. Show them what they’re missing.

Are you a force to be reckond with when it comes to organization? Or maybe its your killer sales pitch that makes everyone else look like a bag of lame. Whatever it is, it’s yours and you rock it. And by all means, sell yourself like your rent, food, bills and social life depend on it, because who are we kidding? It sure as hell does.

“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.” –VH1
Oh Kanye. You kill me. In the best way possible.

It’s the most dreaded question of them all. They want to know, “why should we hire you?” As much as well all want to be like, “because I’m awesome,” and be done with it, we can’t.

In any solid sales pitch, this is the time where you eliminate doubt. You wait a couple months then you gonna see, you’ll never find nobody better than me. Without having to resort to a bad Kanye lyric, reaffirm your strengths as much as humanely possible. Lastly, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by talking too much. Limit yourself to sixty seconds of why you are the best candidate for the role and get out of there. Hook, line and sinker.

From the obnoxiousity of it all, there is some cold hard truth to be learned here. The ever so vain, Mr. West is wise beyond his years. Self doubt is the killer of success. It’s the thief of happiness and celebratory drinks. Don’t take those excuses to get sloppy drunk with friends to congratualate ones achievements, nights away from us. Those nights are all we have. Love thyself!

Kayne never forgets how awesome he is. Cocky? Indeed but why would we ever doubt our own greatness? Self love is the jam. If nothing else, Kanye has taught us that negativity is a worthless emotion. You are your own biggest fan. As Henry Ford once wrote, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.”

Celebrate your existence, know you are a big deal, and if they hate then let em hate and watch the money pile up. I’m trying to spread positivity one arrogant Kanye quote at a time.

Monday, November 17, 2014

What Your Favorite Mac Lipstick Says About You

7 Mac lipstick classics and their alter egos

Alright ladies, listen closely. There are two types of women in this world. Those who wear lipstick and those who do not.

I highly recommended the first of the two. I’m not even a makeup whore but I can get down with some lipstick. With names like: Pink Plaid, Up the Amp, Rebel, Lady Danger, Velvet Teddy and Snob, the appeal factor goes without saying. Obvs.

(Side note: Whoever is granted the outright honor and thrill of naming the so-called fun tubes, can I just say, serious job envy!)

Say what you want about Mac, but you simply can’t argue. They know what they are doing when it comes to the pout.

I personally, own well over fifteen and my collection just keeps growing for no valid reason. None at all. Aside from it being my favorite thing to blow money on while I heedfully watch my collection grow with pride. It’s a sickness, I know.

For a reason unbeknownst to me, there is something so ridiculously confidence boosting about swiping a bold color on your kisser and instantly feeling like a different person, or at least a sassier version of yourself.

What I have come to realize is that by choosing which lip color I’m going to wear for the day/night, I’m also concurrently choosing my personality. Down to the name, Mac lipsticks have a mind of their own. They have a magical way of transforming me into a confident flirt, a sun kissed goddess or a modern day Marilyn (if only). 

Lipstick should be embraced and honored by all. Like a good push up bra or a killer yoga pant, they do wonders in the confidence department.

There’s a reason Elizabeth Taylor was quoted saying, “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.” Solid advice from a classy lady.

Accordingly, here are 7 of the cult favorites and their alter egos.

1.     Russian Red: “B*tch in charge.” AKA BIC
There’s just something about the assurance of wearing the color red that is unrivaled. Basically the Regina George of your friends, rocking red lips in general is bossy and means business.

I hold a very firm belief that red lipstick can cure any bad mood. I’ve been plenty guilty of being a grump and a half but once I put on that fire engine hue, its game over. I’m on fi-ya and I know it.

Scenario: Red lipped beauty walks up to the bar and comes back with four free drinks for her posse. Boom. Don’t hate the girl hate the lipstick.

2.     Blankety: “I’m that natural beauty your mama warned you about.”
Girls who rock this lip shade are maybe the most dangerous of the bunch. They fly solo and don’t need an army of birds to get through life.

She is fiercely independent, knows what she wants and is completely okay with not standing out in a crowd because she is that confident of just how pretty she is. Think Angelina Jolie, that b*tch is literally perfect.

3.     Candy Yum-Yum- “I’m kind of a big deal.”
The name alone could be mistaken for a stripper, which says it all. She is an attention whore and not shy about it.

Nothing really intimidates her except for another boss b*tch femme, which she strongly believes are far and few between. To her, everyone is just basic. On the rare occasion, she gives credit where credit is due and takes zero bullshit.

The woman who walks into a room wearing this neon hue earns immediate respect while simultaneously turning heads. She most definitely gets gossiped about, but mostly by some jealous broads who know they aren’t ever gonna be as bad.

4    Girl About Town- “We’re getting drunk tonight!”
Think Beyonce as Sasha Fierce. It’s ladies night and time to get her game face on. If this lipstick was a song it would most def be “All the Single Ladies.”

Something about this shade awakens the diva within. She could literally go out and tear up the d floor when just yesterday she swore to everyone at the bar she’s “just not a dancer.”

The ultimate party girl and everyone’s favorite alcohol pusher, she might be the most fun of them all. She’s not afraid to have a dance battle while doub fisting two Jameson Gingers.

Assuredly, we all have that one friend who came to mind. And if you don’t, then you most definitely are her.

     Please Me- “I get what I want.”
     The name says it all. For lack of a better analogy, this girl isn’t afraid to step on a hoes toes. She lives for getting her way and is damn near good at it. People can’t quite figure it out and all the more power to her.

She’s pretty, witty and is the ultimate girl’s girl. Her fellow lady gang looks to her for the answers to everything. She’s got a way about her.

     Darkside- “Don’t talk to me.”
This is the be-all end-all lip shade. She really doesn’t give a flying f. She could care less if someone talks to her doesn’t talk to her or falls on their ass from staring so hard.

There’s something so IDGAF about wearing this color out on the town. It’s def not the lip one would wear to “meet the parents.” That might be what’s so badass about it.

7.     Vegas Volt- “I’ve got my flirt face on.”
In a nutshell, Vegas Volt equals I have my sh*t together.

For the mornings where you wake up late as hell and you are seriously struggling to get your life in order. Once you swipe on this color, you suddenly look like you got nine hours of beauty sleep and powered through hot yoga at 6am.

Side Note: This is easily the most flattering lip shade for every girl, skin color, lip pout, you name it. This shade is killer in the summer paired with a tan and the fact that it is universally flattering is bomb diggity. You literally could have lips as thin as Justin Beiber’s bicep, and once you apply this bad boy- Vavoom! The pout is so real and so are all the boys at the yard.

Does every girl wear Mac lipstick? Probably not, but they should. 

And for the days when you really don’t feel like getting ready, and lipstick sounds like a chore, go bare with it.

Embrace your natural beauty. Work that up-do. When it really comes down to it, sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make-up on, that’s when you’re the prettiest. I hope that you don’t take it wrong.

Cause in the end Drake’s opinion is the only one that really matters.